The Kind Of Beer You Should Never Order If You're At A Seedy Bar

Everybody loves a seedy dive bar, but it's helpful to know how to navigate them to have the best, low-fi time. You shouldn't expect to slide into a tattered, vinyl booth and order an over the top tipple, for example, and that required caution can often even sometimes extend to something as seemingly simple as a good old draft beer. That draft relies on lines, or tubes, to get from keg to tap to glass. And those lines might not be fully cleaned the recommended every two weeks if other areas are also overlooked.

Listen, all that stuff about never judging a book by its cover mostly applies to humans. In the hospitality world, the differences between fine dining establishments, speakeasy-themed bars, diners, and seedier spots could not be more apparent. A properly seedy establishment will have a bit of the aforementioned tatter, a patina of hard-won age, a scrappy attitude, figurative grit and, yes, literal grime. It might also be spic and span where it matters: in prep areas and other spots needing more hygienic attention. But if you're navigating a little stickiness and a dust crust that you can see, there's a decent chance that a joint's beer lines also haven't been maintained at the best cadence. If the owners haven't managed to polish all those creepy bobblehead dolls or whatever gives the place its character, do you really think that they're crawling under counters to clean their beer lines every fortnight? Just order something else, instead.

If you must have beer — which is über-appropriate in such a setting — great news: It's probably also available in bottles and cans! You can even ask for a glass, if you wish — which is a little less on brand in this case. Shots are also a classic of the seedy bar genre, too, and you can even marry the faves and order a boilermaker.

You'll likely find a wine list that's limited to such august vintages as "red" and "white," but those pours might not be any worse than what your least favorite relative brings to Thanksgiving. And mixed drinks, if not a lot of cocktails, also shine in a seedy dive. Gin and tonics, vodka sodas, and iconic Jack and Cokes are ideal. Some cocktails might even surprise you. A martini looks kind of fancy and it's long been associated with more elegant imbibing, but it barely needs a recipe and, barring truly low-quality booze, easily achieved coldness is its chief component. If you have any lingering doubts, just order a martini like you know what you're doing, and it'll turn out fine. And even if it doesn't, it'll still be better than whatever's lurking in those musty old beer lines.