The Store-Bought Bologna Brand We Would Never Allow Near Our Kitchen

Chowhound has found that not all bolognas are created equal, and there's one store-bought bologna you should keep out of your shopping cart. In our ranking of seven bologna brands you can find at the grocery store, Eureka Doctorskaya Bologna came in last place by a long shot. First off, our reviewer found the packaging a little too much to handle. Eureka Doctorskaya comes unsliced, as a whole tube. The version we bought was 14-ounces (nearly a pound of processed meat), so it's understandable that it seemed a little intimidating. Although the size of a drainage pipe, bologna really is just a bigger hot dog, so purchased as an entire log may be unappetizing to those of us who normally buy our bologna in sandwich-ready slices.

But, when our taster tried to cut it, she said it only got worse. It was tough, even crunchy, which, aside from the fact that it didn't have much taste at all, made it truly unpleasant to try to stomach. According to the Eureka Sausage website, Doctorskaya means "doctor's orders," and it was created in the Soviet Union to provide nutrition for the masses. "One bite and you'll instantly feel better," they say. But we'll have to politely disagree. And you will certainly want to steer clear of the massive 9-pound Doctorskaya Bologna packages that Eureka promotes on its site.

On its website, Eureka says Doctorskaya could be paired with an IPA, a cabernet sauvignon, or a rye whiskey. Maybe a glass or two of alcohol could sufficiently whet (or dull) your palate for some otherwise unpleasant pork. Certainly lots of extra mustard on your bologna sandwich could improve the flavor of Doctorskaya, although it won't cover for the weird texture. In the case of Eureka, hot and crunchy may be a better combo than cold and crunchy, so you could try frying your bologna to get it nice and crispy.

And, well, if you don't already have a full tube of Doctorskaya in the fridge, maybe you should simply go for a better brand. In our ranking, Chowhound's top choice was Boar's Head Beef Bologna. You'll have to go to the deli counter to get it sliced, but that's great for those of us who'd rather not take home a massive tube of meat. It's nice and smoky — perfect for a simple bologna and cheese sandwich. And if you want the prepackaged, sliced stuff, Bar-S Classic Bologna Sliced Lunch Meat came in second place on our ranking, so it's a solid choice for a quick toss into the shopping cart. But when rushing through the store, we'd recommend you don't grab a package of Doctorskaya — it's just a little unappetizing, packaging aside.