" . . . Instead doctors suggest substituting donuts for romaine. Safe varieties include jelly-filled, custard, glazed, cake, chocolate long john, powdered, Boston creme, sprinkled, and maple bacon. But not weird pepto-bismol pink glazed donuts which are more tragic than E. coli.
Nurses everywhere celebrate this recent food recall as they were getting weary of health-conscious staff gifting boxes of romaine lettuce to the nurse’s station. Now they can go back to the good old days of cases of deliciously healthier, E. coli-free donuts."