Adult Chocolate Milk

Adult Chocolate Milk

I Paid: $14.99 for a 750-milliliter bottle (prices may vary by region)

Taste: 3 stars

Marketing: 5 stars

Adult Chocolate Milk gets a “5” for marketing because its name and label are likely to be highly effective at generating sales, being as they are a toxic conflation of childhood and binge drinking that will attract the eye and get the casual-spirits-browser talking. When it comes to social responsibility, this approach to selling booze is borderline reprehensible: Anyone aged 9 to 17 who sets eyes upon this stuff in any setting will likely move hell and earth for a sample of this forbidden elixir, this IMPROVEMENT upon chocolate milk, this SECRET chocolate milk made cool for adults only. (Presumably many 18- to 20-year-olds have already gotten into terrible domestic beers and Boone’s Farm and will largely view themselves as too cool for Adult Chocolate Milk, but it could certainly go either way.)

Similar in sweetness to Kahlúa and identical in appearance to actual chocolate milk, Adult Chocolate Milk clocks in at a par-for-the-liqueur-course of 40 proof: mild enough to sip straight, strong enough to do a bit of damage in quantity or as a component in a modified White Russian–style beverage. The flavor of alcohol is really too powerful (and the taste of cocoa too mild) to make this stuff taste much like real chocolate milk, but as chocolate liqueurs go, it’s competent. The kids are gonna love it.

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