From Gloucester, Maine, comes this miniature masterpiece of frozen-meat robbery. After a waitress saw a man sneak a few animals’ worth of frozen meat from the cellar of Scola’s Place, owner Joe Scola went after the thief, who was “carrying 20 pounds of frozen meat, including two bags of linguica, a prosciutto log and a ham.” (Now that’s some seriously Chowhound-worthy reporting detail, kids.) The climactic encounter:

The owner reclaimed the ham but shoved it back toward the suspect’s face when the thief made a gesture with the 5-pound prosciutto log that indicated he was planning to strike Scola, the restaurateur said. ‘I slammed him with the ham in the face,’ Scola told the [Gloucester] Daily Times. He said his opponent dropped the remaining meat and ran off.

It’s like rock-paper-scissors with meat: Ham beats prosciutto, but prosciutto beats linguiça.

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