Epi-Log points us toward a fictional Gordon Ramsay blog that’s pretty fucking amusing (as Ramsay might say). With entries like “The Food Network Will Give a Show to Anyone Who Opened a Fridge Last Week” and “Human Forehead Tastes Like Elk,” the blog captures Ramsay’s cynical world-view, if not his potty mouth. It’s hard to compete with Ramsay’s everyday surreality—you just can’t make up headlines like “Gordon Ramsay Will Attempt to Feed the Spice Girls”—but the Ramsay impersonator makes a noble stab at it. Among the highlights is Ramsay bitching about not getting a consulting job for Bee Movie:

You know what really gets my ganache? Assholes like Thomas Keller. That bastard got the consulting job for Pixar’s Ratatouille. No one even called to interview me for the job.

Now, I haven’t seen this new animated Bee Movie by that Seinfeld guy, but if there was a culinary consultant for that picture, I really think I might lose my shit (Or at least get a new agent). I was born to consult on that movie. I’m a freaking honey expert. I mean, not officially, but I just know I could have added a lot to the film. Did you know that there are all different kinds of honey? Did you know that Thomas Keller knows nothing about honey?

And here’s the fake Ramsay championing the newest culinary innovation:

While the rest of my contemporaries are stroking their todgers as they make the same old boring shit, I’m a little busy changing the food world. I’m like Auguste Escoffier. (Except he never had a television show.)

Ready for this? You better be. Distressed food. It’s something I’ve been experimenting with for years and just recently rolled out at my restaurants last week. Just like distressed jeans and other items, your food arrives tattered, in some cases looking half-eaten or spoiled.

Sounds like some of the food Ramsay’s tossed off of restaurant tables in Kitchen Nightmares.

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