Oh boy—it’s the End Times, everybody! The Christian Broadcasting Network’s “news” division reports that a D.C. restaurant has stopped taking cash. Other restaurants will no doubt follow its lead. Next up: no food sales to anyone lacking the Visa/MasterCard/United Nations Mark of the Beast!

In a shocking inversion of the all-too-familiar “our earthy breakfast place is too popular/too much of a drug front to take your lousy credit card” scheme, the owner of Snap Crepes has decided to cut out the awkward fumbling-for-change part of the dining experience and go to a no-cash policy.

“I know exactly how many sales we had—and I don’t have to go to the bank,” said the eatery’s owner, who added that Kofi Annan had promised her a place by his side in the luxurious eighth layer of Pandemonium after the thwarting of the Second Coming.

Also quoth CBN’s article (in sentence-fragmenty manner):

Although she’s well aware of online bloggers, some of whom say her policy discriminates against those who can’t afford a credit or debit card.

The offline bloggers—who typically use ink and vellum, signal rockets, or Morse code to create their “posts”—are, by contrast, largely in favor of the restaurant’s decision. HoratioHornblower23 of the offline semaphore flag blog Flag It!, wrote: “Cafe. Good. Efficient.”

Either that, or he signaled that his frigate was taking on water.

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