Given that the world is already home to restaurants designed for populations as diverse as Ren Faire fanatics, masochists, sports addicts, and scat aficionados, perhaps it’s also got enough room to accommodate a restaurant for fat people.
Or at least that’s what Josh Ozersky is proposing. In the latest issue of Gastronomica [link unavailable, since the magazine doesn’t publish articles online], the Time columnist and enthusiastic gout victim argues that fat people should have their own restaurant, one designed from the “point of view of fat people—something like what Temple Grandin did for beef cows, but further up the food chain.”
So what would a Fat Person Restaurant look like? No narrow, hard-backed chairs. Think instead of “a padded La-Z-Boy … with rests for bulky broad arms and plenty of lumbar support”; a thermostat set at 55 degrees Fahrenheit, “too cold for thin people” and designed to maintain the “constant refrigeration” fat people need “to keep going”; servers who are “fat in a non-threatening way”; kidney-shaped tables designed for solo dining, as “dining here is a solitary and celibate experience, in which both sexes are protected from even a hint of having to socialize”; dim lights; no mirrors; and a menu replete with animal fat, layer cakes, and starch.
Given his own admitted girth, Ozersky pretty much has a free pass to write such darkly humorous, self-loathing material—imagine what would happen if, say, Kelly Choi or Dana Cowin penned an essay describing the “swollen, unhealthy bodies” of fat people, “working hard just to pointlessly stay alive,” or the “sad eyes and ravenous maw” of a portly diner. Quel scandale. Still, this will no doubt stick in more than one craw like a too-hastily digested short rib—even though one could argue that the Heart Attack Grill beat Ozersky to the punch long ago.
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