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Holiday Eating Tips

KaimukiMan | Dec 22, 201009:53 AM

"LIFE IS A BANQUET, AND MOST POOR SUCKERS ARE STARVING TO DEATH"
Auntie Mame in Auntie Mame

1. Avoid carrot sticks and celery. Anyone who puts rabbit food on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Holiday Spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door or across the street where they're serving rum balls.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. It's rare. You cannot find it any other time of year but now! So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-alcoholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think.

3. If something comes with gravy, use it - in abundance. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat. Gravy may be used with any meat dish, almost any starch, most vegetables, and selected desserts.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? You should also be able to taste the butter and cream cheese. Otherwise it's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. Have the snack if you want, but not enough to spoil your appetite. The whole point of going to a Holiday party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

7. Speaking of plates, make a trip to the big-box-store and buy a case of those extra large disposable plates. Bring a stack to every party as a hostess gift. It lets them know how much you appreciate their cooking.

8. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted cookies, the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.

9. Same for pies. Apple, Pumpkin, Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or, if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. Thats why you gave them those big plates. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?

10. Don't be embarrassed to go back for seconds or thirds. Again, you want to be sure your hosts know how much you enjoy their hospitality. This is the only time of the year where you wont look like a pig doing that. You are just indulging in the Holiday Spirit.

11. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards. If you can not avoid the fruitcake, refer to the section on gravy above. A healthy slathering of butter is also suggested.

12. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Re-read tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner. Remember this motto to live by:

"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, CHOCOLATE in one hand and WINE in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and screaming "WOO HOO, what a ride!"

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