Bellatoria Sunday Brunch Pizzas

Bellatoria Sunday Brunch Pizzas

I Paid: $3.98 for a roughly 13.5-ounce pizza (prices may vary by region)

Taste: 3 stars

Marketing: 3 stars

America does not need to be eating pizza for brunch. But let’s put that common-sense and basically irrelevant assertion aside for a moment and actually assess how these straight-from-the-freezer-to-your-oven-to-your-brunch-table pizzas by the Bellatoria brand hold up.

In a best-case scenario, these would be rich, well-balanced breakfast treats; in a worst-case scenario, overprocessed, poorly balanced disks of malnutrition. I was braced for a sinful breakfast delight or, more likely, a Hindenburg-style breakfast bomb. They were neither.

There’s a buttery crunchiness to the crust of these things—calling it “Biscuit Style” (as the box does) is fair, if a bit generous. It lacks the flakiness or richness of real homemade biscuits, but that’s to be expected.

The Ultimate Scramble variety (scrambled eggs, roasted green and red peppers, red onions, cheddar, mozz, and ham) had a lot of actual vegetable flavor and kick: There were bright pepper notes to it that were pleasant, and the overall balance of ingredients was good. The “creamy white gravy” sauce could have been richer, thicker, and/or a disgusting coagulated mess, but it played it safe and didn’t upset the balance of the pizza.

The Bacon Scramble variety had some bacon smoke flavor to it and some palpable but mild cheese taste. Forgettable? Yes. But inoffensive? Also yes.

And the Apple Streusel pizza (after you’ve eaten your gravy and ham pizza, you’ve earned a dessert pizza, I guess) was simplistically sweet, but had a discernible oaty texture and flavor to it, and dull but decent icing. A perfectly innocuous conclusion to a perfectly middle-of-the-road frozen brunch.

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