Why is wine not more attractive to geeks? Wired columnist Lore Sjöberg pondered this question, and decided it’s because there aren’t enough gadgets. More high-tech stuff to buy would lead to more nerdical interest in wine, natch. Among Sjöberg’s suggestions:

Tooth-Mounted Flavor Sensor: Apparently, the amazing thing about wine is that it doesn’t taste like wine. As soon as you taste it, you’re supposed to announce that it contains the flavors of red fruit, black fruit, off-white fruit, chocolate, vanilla, strawberry, pistachio, Wavy Gravy, leather, moss, pleated slacks, tamarind, tamarin, snozzberry and the quiet yearning for the open road in the heart of every American.

Suffice to say, some of these are kind of tough to pick out. This clever little gadget can be installed in a molar. Once there, the tooth-mounted flavor sensor quickly breaks down and analyzes even the smallest drop of wine for aldehydes, esters and tannins, relaying the information it’s found to a discreet speaker in your ear. At last, you can with full confidence declare a glass of wine to have ‘a wispy touch of pear and loquat, blended masterfully with a strong chord of pepper and cinnamon, all held together by COMPOUND NOT IDENTIFIED—PLEASE CHECK FOR DRIVER UPDATES.’

Temporal Acceleration Device: The main problem with aging your wine is that you have to age at the same time. You buy a nice bottle of wine that will truly come into its prime in 10 years, and when you open it 10 years later you can’t enjoy the wine because you’re thinking, ‘The hell? Has it really been 10 years? Man, that’s depressing. If only I had some alcohol.’ … This temporal acceleration device comes in two models. The pricier one suspends the wine in a field of accelerated temporality, aging it 10 years in a matter of minutes. The cheaper one just writes a different year on the label.

While the Silicon Valley brain trusts get started on these, Ryan Opaz of wine blog Catavino has asked wine bloggers to come up with their own ideas for gadgets. Among their suggestions: a crystal glass that can morph into different shapes according to the wine it contains, and freeze-dried wine for hikers.

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