Steve Almond’s Candyfreak was a tour de force of chocolate goodness. Part memoir, part road trip, it contained such wincing confessions as, “If I had been the kind of kid who kept a diary, the entries from the years 12 to, say, 16 would have read: Got high, ate candy,” and created an intense craving in many people for an obscure, incredibly messy candy bar called the Valomilk.

And while Almond has put out several well-received books since Candyfreak, none had anything to do with candy.

Happily, Almond has gotten back to his candy roots: In a short piece in the Washington Post by Joe Heim titled “What’s Your Halloween Candy Personality?” Almond analyzes people’s deepest motivations based on the sweets they choose to give out to trick-or-treaters on Halloween.

Reese’s givers are, naturally, generous; those who give Snickers are dependable. Other candies indicate a more, shall we say, baroque personality. The Good & Plenty giver is described thusly:

Optimistic, perhaps overly so. A little bit of Weimar energy. Strong advocate of gay rights; acquainted with the bitterness at the center of most lives.

Me, I’m passing out Tootsie Pops.

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