Roxanne Klein is back, and she’s got a package of cold, raw food for you.

Food enthusiasts may remember Klein from her trendy Marin County eatery, Roxanne’s, famed far and wide for its raw-food menu: pad thai made from strips of young coconut instead of noodles, “cheese” made from pine nuts and nutritional yeast. Nothing heated over 118 degrees Fahrenheit, which is supposed to preserve enzymes in the food. Or something. I always zone out when people start presenting their wackadoo ideas about nutrition.

After an extremely splashy opening in 2001—Roxanne’s husband, Michael Klein, was a technology zillionaire who hung around with a hemp-draped Woody Harrelson and members of the Grateful Dead—the eatery closed in 2004, with San Francisco Chronicle columnist GraceAnn Walden at first reporting that the closure was due to declining restaurant sales, and later repeating Roxanne Klein’s claim that the restaurant was a casualty in an ugly divorce battle with Michael (how could two people so clearly compatible in the yoga studio grow so far apart in real life? But I digress).

Now, a few years later, Roxanne says she’s reunited with Michael and back pimping raw food. As the San Francisco Chronicle reports, in mid-January Bay Area supermarkets will begin hawking a line of raw snacks, desserts, and main courses.

Staples from the old Roxanne’s to Go have been reformulated for commercial production. … Look for sprouted bread sandwiches with ‘hummus’ and vegetables, trail mixes, dried fruit blends and Rox Kreme ice cream (vanilla malt and chocolate) made from almond milk and young coconut.
She’s come up with some new products, including a sliceable mozzarella made from nut milk.

Color me uninterested. You know what tastes just like ice cream, and is really great? Ice cream. I’ve had some of those dehydrated-grains “crackers” that raw-foodists like to claim taste delicious, and personally, I’ll stick to rosemary Triscuits. But hey, maybe other people will want to eat something that comes with quotes around it. Some “cheese” with your “hummus”? Lucky thing Roxanne doesn’t need my money.

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