When you think about the intersection of food and love you think about, what, maybe chocolate? Oysters? Even, perhaps, “erotic” baked goods? Mustard’s probably pretty far down the list—but French’s, maker of the highlighter-pen-yellow condiment, would like to change that with a call for “Great American Love Stories” that “celebrate the love affair between food and French’s.” The winning story will be animated on a French’s website, and the sender will receive a $2,000 gift check.

Whoa. Obviously the people at French’s are a bit dotty, because the loaded language in the contest’s come-on is not to be believed:

Do you have the scoop on the love affair between French’s Mustard and the hotdog? Did you see French’s Mustard swoop-in [sic] to save a ham sandwich from drowning in a river of mayonnaise?

There’s something very, very strange about all this, and it seems like a slippery slope to me. It starts with an innocent tale of a condimented pretzel. Then, before too long, we’re making eyes at the pickle relish in the grocery store, and buying multiple gigantor bottles of hoisin sauce at the warehouse store, sneaking them home to fondle them furtively in the basement. And I don’t need to know what that rich dude who keeps creeping up alongside my Rolls wants with my Grey Poupon. I really don’t.

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