We haven’t yet reached the end of society as we know it—but you can see it from here! At least according to fellow Grinder James Norton, whose commentary in today’s Christian Science Monitor is a masterpiece of skirt-gathering.

Built around the truly horrifying piece of information that a large percentage of diners would “like to see table-top TVs installed at their favorite eating joint,” Norton’s article defends the idea that eating together is an age-old communal experience, one that might be threatened by having a TV blaring 12 inches away from your plate.

But he also sees other “in-your-face” signs of the Apocalypse:

Exhibit No. 1: Hardee’s 1,420-calorie Monster Thickburger. Exhibit No. 2: the new, horrifying line of appetizers at TGI Friday’s—a group of items that includes Fried Mac and Cheese, and the new Sizzling Triple Meat Fundido, which is essentially a molten, crustless pizza eaten with breadsticks. Exhibit No. 3: Coca-Cola Blak, the blasphemous coffee/cola combination that gives battery acid a run for its money in terms of flavor and subtlety.

If the Rapture comes, somebody grab my cherry pie, ‘kay?

See more articles