The St. Paul Pioneer Press reports that, thanks to the selfless exertions of General Mills, you can now enjoy a whole new confluence of sugary cereal and content-free entertainment for young people.

Princess Fairytale Flakes are both pink and sugar-sweetened. Mickey Mouse Clubhouse Berry Crunch contains no actual berries. And Little Einstein Fruity Stars, like most sweetened cereals, are likely to actually measurably drag down the IQ of children who make the mistake of consuming them.

The new Disney-tied cereals are a mere $1.99 a box, a suspiciously low price that suggests that Disney is subsidizing the consumption of “lightly sweetened” whole-grain corn cereals in order to capture the attention of kids with their moribund creative properties (when’s the last time Mickey Mouse made you laugh? And who’s actually psyched to see a straight-to-DVD re-remake of public-domain fairy tale Cinderella?)

Just to be absolutely clear that no fun will actually be had by anyone involved in the cereal-making and -consumption process, Snow White and Cinderella are referred to by General Mills as “strong equities that need no introduction.”

Sounds like a trip to the Magic Kingdom in a bowl. Wheee!

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