Details is “sizing up the most fetching domestic goddesses currently on the small screen,” and damned if they’re not contributing to the destruction of Western culture in the process.

The piece is called “Sexpots in the Kitchen,” a title that deserves points not only for being pleasantly blunt, but also for cleverly working “pot,” a cooking implement, into the headline. “Sexpans in the Kitchen” or “Sexspatulas in the Kitchen” would have been a reach—it’s clear that Details hit the sweet spot with this one.

The general drift of the piece can be picked up here:

You can trace the fantasy back to the covertly hot housewives we grew up watching in TV reruns. Take Elizabeth Montgomery in Bewitched. Not only did Samantha look smokin’ in a polka-dot tunic, but all she had to do was twitch her button nose and the whole darn house was spotless.

Actually, you can probably trace the fantasy further back than that, to the halcyon days of the 14th century, when a good percentage of women everywhere served as food- and baby-making domestic slaves.

The article also glosses over the underlying contemporary context of the emerging “domestic diva” phenomenon. And that’s the damage that tartification has done to other, parallel pursuits, such as television news, moviemaking, and Law & Order. It’s a veritable epidemic of sexy. A sexidemic, if you will.

This isn’t to say that Rachael Ray or Sandra Lee can’t cook, but who knows how many wildly more qualified—funnier, more learned, more legitimately skilled in the cooking arts—women don’t and will never have TV shows because pure pulchritude is becoming the coin of the land.

Not that she didn’t have a certain emu-like majesty, but Julia Child wouldn’t stand a Popsicle’s chance in the sixth layer of hell in this day and age, and that’s a darn shame.

See more articles