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I Would Punch Your Momma Right In The Mouth For This Cookie

DrumKitty | Dec 20, 201505:07 PM     17


I would punch your momma in the mouth for one of Christina Tosi’s Blueberry and Cream Cookies. There, I said it. And just to be clear, I don't mean a little love tap either...I'm talking one of those punches that comes from the hip and has all your weight behind it...the kind that would send your momma flying into the air along with that sweet-ass cookie she was about to put in her mouth. And I would catch that cookie.

Now before you judge me, you have to know that I'm not a violent guy. In fact, I detest all violence…well, everything except 2 willing participants stepping into a ring to beat the fuck out of each other. But if your sweet little old momma stood between me and this beautiful specimen pictured below, I would pop her right in the kisser without giving it a second thought.

These heavenly things, inspired by Blueberry Muffin tops, are made with (among other things) dried blueberries, unicorn cream(made from local, cage-free unicorns), white chocolate, butter, and star-stuff. They're sweet, moist and yet chewy in the best way possible, (somehow) seasonal anytime of year, and totally decadent. And yes, I'm very possesive of them, as if there's a finite amount of Blueberry and Cream Cookie Dough that exists in the universe and everytime someone eats one of those cookies there's gonna be one less for me. To make matters worse, and this is 100% true (and have I ever given you a reason to believe that I would lie or exaggerate?), everytime someone eats a Blueberry and Cream Cookie, anywhere in the world, I get a sharp pain in my belly. Unfortunately, these are a few of the things that have led me down this dark and unconscionable path, ready and willing to punch someone's momma for a cookie. Now I know that mommas aren't the only ones eating these cookies, but they are the easiest targets since the more of a fight someone can put up, the less energy I'm gonna have for eating that cookie. Don't get me wrong...I'm not proud of this...but it's just the way it is. And don't blame me....it's all Christina's fault.

So against my better judgement, I'm gonna tell you that If you live anywhere in the NYC region, go to a Milk Bar location now and get one. Or do like I have done every single time I go to NYC and get a whole bag full of them, justifying it by telling yourself that you'll freeze them and eat one on occasion, knowing full well that those cookies are never going to live to see another day or two. There's not one of those cookies on this earth that doesn't have the life span of the average fruit-fly. That's how good they are. And don't worry...if you can't get to a Milk Bar in person, you can always order them online. You're welcome, you ungrateful bastards.

So Christina, I know you're out there...and if you have any heart at all, you'll send me some of those cookies...or some mommas gonna get it.



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