Season six of Top Chef started this week. Location: Las Vegas. We haven’t watched it because, honestly, we don’t want to. And moreover, we gave up on cable. But humor lives on our sister site, where Richard Lawson is applying his genius to recapping the show.

The contestants are a wash at this point, a heaving mass of chefly ambition, jaunty toques, and misplaced lust for the Glade family of products. But the judges are familiar. Let’s just point out a few things from Lawson’s article that are funny:

• He calls Tom Colicchio “Mr. Clean’s older brother” and Padma Lakshmi “an undead princess zombie with a minor Ambien problem.”

• And this: “At the judges’ panel, Wolfgang Puck said some strange gnome words and then did a haunting jig for an hour or two. When he was done, all the the straw in the whole studio had been spun into gold.”

• And also this: “Gail Simmons was there, bobbing her head in that authoritative way that she does, always with her glass of red wine at the ready. Padma dejectedly pushed the food around her plate, wishing it was delicious human brains. And papa bear Tommy Tom Tom Colicchio said nice things to the top kids.”

If Lawson continues perhaps we could be convinced to watch the show.

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