It’s hard not to love a public interest group that feels OK about comparing a company to a rogue nuclear power with a befouled human rights record for attempting to … wait for it … sell candy to children. The nonprofit Center for Science in the Public Interest is going after Topps CEO Michael Eisner for the company’s scurrilous Baby Bottle Pop, a “powdered candy sold in a miniature baby bottle, eaten by dipping a candy nipple in a sugary powder and licking it off.”

The real problem here: Topps is using a girl group called the Clique Girlz to sell said baby-themed candy to children, thereby … well, tempting children into eating candy. And, yes, licking simulated nipples.

“The first three ingredients listed on a Baby Bottle Pop obtained by CSPI are sugar, dextrose, and corn syrup or, in other words, sugar, sugar, and sugar,” says the press release, the text practically trembling with stern outrage.

“Topps is the North Korea of the food industry,” adds CSPI nutrition policy director Margo G. Wootan. “They’ve isolated themselves from the community of responsible food marketers. They’re a rogue player that maintains the lowest standards of conduct.”

For context: Once, as a kid, I attempted to pack two entire pouches of grape Big League Chew into my mouth, and succeeded. What did I learn? The value of perseverance. Not once is this kind of candy-assisted-character-building experience mentioned by the CSPI.

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