Nothing says “celebration” like a festive cocktail, and nothing says “the opposite of celebration” like the miserable ritual known as the New Year’s resolution. This year, make matter and antimatter collide by mixing some resolution-themed drinks that also happen to be profoundly bad ideas.

Resolution: Take better care of your teeth

The Crest Mint Julep

Nothing speaks of Southern hospitality like a classic Mint Julep. But get your cocktail to do double-duty (teeth cleaning plus pleasant inebriation) with mint-flavored toothpaste in lieu of herbal simple syrup. Refreshingly crisp, this is the only Kentucky Derby–appropriate beverage recommended by four out five alcoholic dentists.

Old Milwaukee Thermidor Craptails New Year's Resolutions Edition

Resolution: Spend less money but still live it up

Old Milwaukee Thermidor

How do you bring a luxury experience to a down-market drink? Recycling, my thrifty friend, recycling. Step one: Locate a rich friend who’s planning a lobster dinner and/or cajole them into ordering lobster at a restaurant. Once they’ve picked the carcass relatively clean and discarded it, seize the remaining shell and interior bits for yourself. Simply wash some Old Milwaukee through the carcass and into a tall mug, glass, or improvised drinking vessel and voilà: all the buttery luxury of lobster, and all the affordable drunk-making power of one of America’s best-known beverages named after a city in Wisconsin. Garnish with a lobster claw or other shell part for added class.

The Regular Old Mary Craptails New Year's Resolutions Edition

Resolution: Lose weight

The Regular Old Mary

Bloody Marys keep throwing fixin’s at you until you burst like a fat tick on a dog; they’re practically a drinkable brunch. But the Regular Old Mary keeps it real—real skinny, that is. It’s a refreshing, health-conscious combination of vodka, celery, and water—and that’s all. Anything more than that and you will gain weight. Guaranteed to define your new lifestyle until roughly January 11, when something moderately distracting happens, you accidentally eat a cheeseburger, and all bets go back to being off.

Harvey Wallflower Craptails New Year's Resolutions Edition

Resolution: Have fewer random hookups

The Harvey Wallflower

Some of us just can’t quit having sex with everybody all the time. What a drag! Thankfully, the science of mixology has caught up with the debilitating curse of nymphomania/satyriasis and provided the answer: a delicious party beverage packing the romance-inhibiting force of a recently flattened skunk. A raw onion floats pungently in a sea of garlic- and onion-infused vodka. For visual effect, a whole head of garlic perches atop the rim of the glass, which has also helpfully been wiped down with a block of runny six-month-old Limburger cheese.

Grin and Bear It Craptails New Year's Resolutions Edition

Resolution: Stay together for the kids

The Grin and Bear It

There are times in life when we have to endure months or even years of misery for an abstractly beneficial concept that may or may not come to pass after all that suffering and sacrifice. When that endurance involves a cheating/perpetually distracted/otherwise terminally insufferable spouse, the times call for a special beverage. And that’s why the Grin and Bear It is, basically, a whole glass of bitters, garnished with a maraschino cherry if you’re feeling ironic.

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