I would like you to go see this truly bizarre video, notable not just because a bowling-ball-sized candy even exists, but because these two people (are they a couple? I sort of hope so, given how familiar they had to get with each other’s saliva) thought to procure a piece of bowling-ball-sized candy, position it on a glass pedestal, and proceed to lick it over the course of six months, all while capturing the slow death of a bowling-ball-sized candy on video.

The longer I watch the video, the more pornographic it seems. I grow entranced by their tongues and wonder if the flavor of the candy ever got sickening. Or if they had a cat or dog that—in its drive to imitate its people—added its own brand of saliva to the (presumably) intensely hygroscopic candy. When the two candy lickers are shown licking feverently by the romantic light of a moody candle, I muse that this is a new take on the Lady and the Tramp’s spaghetti scene.

I also feel sort of cheated, because when the video restarts itself, the bowling-ball-sized candy is suddenly gumball-sized. Where are all those lost hours? Like the famous Tootsie Roll Pop commercial says, “The world may never know.”

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