Pity the poor bastards who have to write the Harry & David holiday catalog every year. How many different ways can there possibly be to describe a basket containing some combination of pumpkin spice cake, Chocolate Moose Munch popcorn, lemon shortbread cookies, and buttery toffees?

This year, the copywriters crapped out on page 2. Describing the catalog’s signature Royal
Riviera Pears
, the copy claims that

… their timeless quality can help make the connections and strengthen the emotions you value most.

But … but what if you’re an international cocaine trafficker and the connection you value most is Bogota to Miami?

Or if you’re a demon lord, and your primary emotion is pure satanic hatred?

Quick, somebody—tell Harry! Or possibly David!

Pears this powerful shouldn’t exist!

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