5 to 8 cloves of garlic, depending on your taste and the size of your hunk of cow.
Kosher salt. The more the merrier. Say 2 to 3 tablespoons. How high is your blood pressure?
Freshly ground black pepper. Again, lots. When you think you've ground enough, grind some more.
Olive oil. Don't measure, just pour a bunch in there. If it's not enough, pour more. Don't be a pussy.
Big honkin' eye of round roast. 5 - 6 pounds and don't even think about cutting the fat off.
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I was in the grocery store and they had eye of round on sale. I mean really on sale. The big honkin’ ones that usually cost $25 were on for under $10. Well, I had no idea what to do with an eye of round, but I bought three of the big bastards. Back at home I did a little Googling, worked out a half-assed recipe and slapped that fucker on the bbq. What ensued was pure unadulterated, carnivorous bliss.
1Take the meat out of the fridge and slap it in a dish. Put on some rock and roll. Something nice and big and chunky, say Georgia Satellites, Skynyrd, AC/DC, Goddo, Mettalica, Sex Pistols – along those lines.
2Throw the garlic, salt, pepper,and olive oil in a mini food processor and grind it into a paste. If it’s too dry, pour in a bit more olive oil. If it’s too wet, throw in more of the dry stuff. If you’re old school, use a mortar and pestle. Then rub that shit all over the beef. Coat that bastard well and really rub it in. Then let it sit out for 20 minutes or so to reach room/parking lot temperature.
3Get your BBQ nice and hot. Either charcoal or gas will do.
4Slap the beef on the BBQ and sear on all sides. Then slide all the charcoal over to one side and put the beef on the opposite side and close the lid. If you’re using gas, place the beef over the middle burner and turn it off. The left and right burners should be on high. Leave it there, turning occasionally for 45 minutes to an hour.
5Now, eye of round is a very lean cut of beef, so you need to take it off around medium, say 140º internal temp. Then tent it in foil and let it sit for 15 min. or so .
6Slice that bastard as thin as you can. If you have a meat slicer, perfect. If not, make sure you’ve got a really sharp knife. And none of this stamped steel nonsense, either. I want a good forged steel blade, a full tang, and no whining! Try to catch as much of the juice as you can while you’re slicing.
7Next, pick out a nice, crispy, garlicky outside slice and eat it. While your eyes roll back into your head in sublime ecstasy, say a quick prayer of thanks that the noble cow is walking this earth.
8Throw the sliced beef in a big metal bowl along with any juices, and add some BBQ sauce. I kinda like Stubbs, my wife likes Dianna, you use whatever the Hell you like. Mix it all up and slap it on buns. You want the ratio to be pretty beef-heavy, say twice as much beef as there is bun. Now, as for the buns, go with what you like. Personally, I like whole wheat, and don’t give me any shit about yuppies and Whole Foods, you bastards. Your great grandparents ate whole wheat ‘cause that’s all there was. It’s real food. Some effeminate, wigged, French aristocrat came up with the idea of taking out all the good stuff and bleaching the flour to make it white. Real men eat whole wheat, pussies eat bleached white bread. End of story.
9Oh, and if you want, slap some coleslaw on top of the beef. I don’t have a recipe for it so you’ll have to look elsewhere. Or you could buy it, but it’s pretty tough to buy good coleslaw these days.
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