The Unruly Burger: where do you draw the line?

Question

I like a good burger like the next person, sometimes piled high with layers of toppings. The other day, I ordered an 'award winning' towering burger at a friendly local tavern. When it was brought to the table, it must have measured 6 inches high, at least. Long tooth pics perilously kept it sturdy. But once removed, forget about it! Don't even think about cutting it in half, as I like to share. I resorted to using a knife and fork thru most of it. Plenty of napkins, too. What about you? How do you navigate these tall messy burgers? Do you even bother?

Answer

Yesterday, I happened to catch an episode of Pioneer Women building what she called her 'Bodacious Burger', easily 6 to 8 inches high with all the toppings and tooth pics. Looked like a nice work of architecture. Would have loved to see the follow up when the cowboys and cowgirls come home and tackle that thing...

Answer

Cut it in half, sadly.. Though I must admit I like my burgers to be relatively small so tend to avoid any 'craft' burger joints. I just don't get the bigger-is-better vibe. A burger should be smooth-tasting and easy to eat!

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Add me to the list of those who avoid such burgers. I find that a burger with that many things on it is a disjointed let-down. The highest I go is a thickish MR patty, cheese, onion, tomato, pickles, and lettuce. My favorite burger is topped only with grilled onion, Hatch chile, and cheese.

Answer

My rule of thumb is simple; if you can't fit it into your mouth, it's too damn tall. The only thing more ridiculous than a Jenga burger is a Bloody Mary wearing a burger hat. I take a hard pass on both.

I blame Instagram. It has led to this silly competition among restaurants to be the most outrageous. It doesn't matter if the food tastes good, it just has to be photogenic.

Answer

I like a few toppings: mushrooms/Swiss OR mayo, lettuce, tomato, even onion and real cheese. I like pickles, and the like, on the side. The flavor of great beef is what I'm looking for, not a hot dog cut in half, and 4 slices of bacon w/ onion rings, some jalapeno, or pepper jelly, bunch of weak American cheese (vegetable oil) and an egg cracked over the top. Love some of those things separately; but I just want to have the beef front and center. Even more so w/lamburgers. Why anyone wants a cut hot dog and egg on a burger is beyond me; but, it's a big world out there. I get that many were raised on American cheese; I was too, but I just can't take the veggie oil flavor. Just stands out, to me.

Answer

The bigger, the better. Decorum be damned. I use my hands or a grappling hook.

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I don't like giant burgers. If I cant fit it in my mouth, getting all the components in one bite and being able to taste the meat, I don't want it.

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A classic burger is best. Not many accessories and constructed in such a way that it can be picked up and eaten without much difficulty.

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Charred ground meat, and as little else as possible. At home that means fried onions and a touch of some kind of sauce. We make them at home frequently enough and well enough that I don't feel the need to have them out, but when I do I won't go for those concoctions.

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Also not a fan of the monster burgers. Much prefer to have a good sourdough cut thick, nicely grilled, spread with butter, garlic and herbs, then topped with my burger. Add the stilton sauce, bacon, whatever and have at it with a knife and fork. This way, I can enjoy a slightly bigger burger, I'm not a mess, and whatever sauce ends up on the side I can sweep up with each bite.

Answer

Big, over-filled burgers have little appeal for me. Difficult to eat as a sandwich and it's almost a guarantee that the bun will fall apart soon after you've started eating it, meaning you need cutlery to finish it off. Hence, I don't order over-filled burgers.

Answer

It's just a Dagwood with a burger in it. No one is making you buy one.

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Not a big fan of those things. It just doesn't make sense for a burger to go nuts on height. In fact if you want to make a bigger serving of a single burger, you should increase its diameter. So that it's one big sandwich that's easy to munch through. That takes me back to my experimental days - I made my own beef patties to resize them to fit an entire panini maker surface (think of the 4th one here https://aroundthehouses.com/best-panini-press/ check out the size of the thing in the dimensions table to get an idea), and also got focaccia, lots of lettuce, tomatoes, and cheese, to accommodate the filling's massive size. The thing was a success.

Answer

Oh man I LOVE gigantic burgers. I'm actually planning to spend my free time cooking up a feast for my family (hmmm, more for myself actually, I'm the only one here crazy about protein) and I stumbled upon this old post of yours, which gave me an idea. I'm finally getting my big SmokePro DLX to get ~workin'~! It's the one recommended to me by my good neighbors, they led me to it. I won't go into much detail since I don't know about the character limit of this thing but I found a pretty concise arguments on why it's a lovable grill-smoker here https://www.bulldog-bbq.com/best-smoker-beginners/ anyway that's besides the point. To all tall burger haters, I guess more for me. ;) That said I am a pretty carefree type of person, I don't worry too much about mess or anything since I could always clean up.

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The Unruly Burger: where do you draw the line?

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