If you invite does that mean you pay?

Question

Hello, I’m currently dealing with a small dilemma and need some opinions. My wife’s birthday is coming up and I decided to have a small surprise dinner for her. I secretly texted all her close friends and told them that I wanted to invite them to a small surprise dinner for her with the time and place. Is a small pizza place that my wife loves nothing upscale or fancy. After I sent out all the texts I sat back and realized that some of these people probably understood that dinner was gonna be paid for, which is not the case. I simple wanted to have a small surprise dinner and have some of her friends present. I’m I overthinking this or did I actually dig myself a hole?

Answer

This subject has been covered exhaustively, and the opinions seem to fall into two camps: (A) Yes, if you're inviting them, that makes you the host, and therefore you should be paying; or (B) Pay no attention to those old farts who say that the person who makes the invitation should pay, we youngsters don't do it like that because we prefer to have parties that we can't afford to throw so we'll just crowd-source it. (Guess which camp *I* belong to!)


ETA: You can probably guess what the etiquette/advice experts have to say.

Answer

If you invite people to dinner, you are the host and you pay. That's not a hole, it's hospitality.

Answer

Yes, general rule of thumb is if you invite, you pay for your guests. However in more modern times some of this depends on the culture of the group. In my circle of friends (and part of this may be that we have been friends since broke college days), generally if we're celebrating a birthday at a bar or restaurant, everone pays their share plus extra to cover the bday person-regardless of if the bday person invited us or if we invited the bday person. 
However, if you didn't express any indication that the bill would be "shared" I would expect to graciously foot the bill on this one.

Answer

If you had indicated it would be a "dutch treat" in your original text, there would be no problem, however it's too late to change the invitation now. Pay for the dinner and write it off to experience - you won't make that mistake again. Of course, if any of the guests should offer to throw in some money to help cover the cost, you could accept it and sheepishly admit your error at that time. It would, however, be bad form to outright ask anyone to contribute towards paying the bill at this point.

Answer

Unless it's a group you yourself know well and you all have a pattern/practice of doing such things "Dutch", there's no question that if you invite, you pay. And I think this all the more true when you're inviting *someone's else's* friends who you don't know particularly well. (And since you say "her" close friends rather than "ours", I assume that's the case here.)

Frankly, I think it's really pretty tacky to arrange such an even for one's spouse or LT "significant other" in the first place (versus a mutual platonic friend, or a roommate, or similar), but that's a side issue. But apart from the "general situation", I all but guarantee that the invitees of a person to that person's spouse's "birthday celebration/dinner" will be assuming that the "host" spouse plans to to pay for the arrangements they've made (presumably without consulting the invitees who may or may not really be able to afford the chosen venue, or afford both that and a gift they've already bought or were planning to buy, etc...)

Answer

Yes, you should be prepared to pay since you invited them. Put on your big boy pants and step up to the plate. Your wife will feel very proud in front of her friends to have you for her husband. It is after all, about her!

Answer

Ok guys thanks for the opinions. But in my mind for people to think that just because I invited them to a restaurant to celebrate my wife’s birthday I’m paying is kinda stupid. For my daughters birthday we had it at our house and of course we provided everything. But you these are grown people and for your them to expect for there bills to be paid is kinda tacky. I’ve never been invited to many dinners at restaurants and never has anyone paid my bill, except for my own family. But according to
People like yourself I’m in denial.

Answer

Would that your invite texts stated, "I take PayPal."

Answer

No need to get defensive Cami8917, you asked for some opinions and you got some (it just might not be the one you wanted.....)
Look- its the internet, we're not going to be at the restaurant shoving this thread in your face when the bill paying moment comes. But it sounds like you got a group of people's opinions all roughly saying the same thing. Its up to you to either take it or not

Answer

I think the part of your post that is leading most of us to think that you are on the hook for picking up the tab is when you indicated that you "invited" your wife's friends to a small surprise dinner. If you had texted her friends and said, "I'm taking Mrs. cami8917 to her favorite restaurant for her birthday dinner on this day at this time. If you are available, I'm sure she would love to see you there!" To me, this seems a little less like you are inviting them to a party (which they may be inclined to assume you are paying for) and more like you are letting them know your plans and that they are free to join you, if their schedules allow. 

I think it also depends upon the dynamic of this group of people and their general expectations for these types of situations. Off the top of my head, I can think of 2 family members who could send out the exact text you sent and the expectation for each would be completely different, based upon historical outings of this kind. One would definitely plan to pick up the whole tab for the group, but the other would definitely expect it to be a "Dutch treat" type of situation. I guess it's hard to say what your wife's friends will expect, but I have to agree that, at first blush, it sounds as if you are hosting a party at a restaurant for your wife's birthday and her friends were invited to attend (at your expense). No matter the outcome, I hope your wife enjoys her birthday celebration!

Answer

First of all I’m sorry if I came off like I was upset. Honestly I’m not I guess I just feel stuck. I guess I should of asked for solutions and not opinions. I feel like is tacky texting everyone and saying oh by the way you have to pay for your meal. I mean is just pizza!! I’m not trying to sound like a cheap ass the fact is that paying was just not my intentions. So now.... is there anyway of fixing this misunderstanding??? I guess that’s the real question

Answer

So I don't know the dynamics of you and your wife's relationship or the dynamics of your wife's friends but I would be a seriously happy wife if I saw my husband arranged a surprise bday party and hosted (aka paid the bill) From your wife's perspective:
1.) Just the thought that you went out of your way to plan the dinner for her at a place she likes-shows you care
2.) Proud wife to show her friends "look what my husband did for me" and he hosted it (greeted people, social small talk, toast your wife, thanked people for coming, paid the bill)
3.) From your wife's friends perspective you will come across great because you will come across as a great host,guy and they're gonna be happy their friend married a great guy
It's a win-win for you!!
Happy wife, happy friends-all for the price of a few pizza's

This is assuming $ isn't the problem though- which you seemed to indicate it wasn't

Answer

You invited everyone, so you should go prepared to pay the entire bill.

Perhaps her friends are like mine (mix of Gen Xers and millennials; creative types) who will pull out their cards expecting to split the bill (and pay for the birthday girl). But they may also be like my husband's friends (mix of Gen Xers and millennials; techys) and expect the host to pay. (We're both Gen X.)

Either way, go with the flow. If her friends pay, you should insist on picking up the tab on shared plates and the tip.

Answer

Considering the context (wife's friends + invite by text), I consider it acceptable to text all those friends again, w/ an update that you are paying for xx food + xx beer but wine & cocktails are no-host; and that they are on their own for extras. Much better to know ahead of time, than to find out at the venue; especially as my rarely carry cash.
For this oldster, an invitation via text would be super casual, and so I would not be surprised to receive updates via text.

Answer

OP, you can add some flair for not too much money at the same time you're keeping costs tightly under control. 

Everyone is writing to serve pitchers of beer to keep the cost down. That's fine, but a single glass of sparking wine to toast your wife will certainly make the dinner special. Contact the restaurant to see if you can bring in your own sparkling wine to make a toast. Prosecco (Italian) or Cava (Spanish) are less expensive than champagne. Still, a birthday toast is so thoughtful that it may be worthwhile paying the restaurant's prices if required to do so. (Six pours to a bottle. You figure how many bottles you'd need. ) 

Also, study the restaurant's dessert menu to identify something they don't sell like cupcakes or birthday cake and ask if you can bring this in from the outside. If the restaurant says "yes," consider doing this.

My point is that people won't notice/care what they're not being served (e.g. cocktails, especially an extra cocktail) if you surprise them with cost-manageable nice touches.

Answer

Everyone does things differently and interprets things differently. I, personally, would never assume someone is paying for my meal because I was invited by them to a restaurant. I was at a birthday dinner on Monday at a restaurant and the person that sent the invite did not pay for anyone's meal but their own. Some of the people that were there are people I do not know so this is not just a situation with "my crowd" for me. I am in Ontario, Canada and everyone I know would not assume an invite means "paid for". The only time I'd expect a meal to be paid for is if someone said "your meal will be covered/paid for" or something similar confirming that, so I am not left assuming that. 

I'd say call one of the people you texted that you feel comfortable talking to and ask what they assumed your message meant. 

PS There are people on this site who like to give condescending answers and/or indirectly insult people. Just move on.....it's them, not you.

Answer

Here's my advice/suggestion, like it or not. Grow up and be a take-charge adult. Either pay for everyone or don't. If you decide not to, send a follow up text owning up to the fact that you did not intend to pay for everyone; that it would be a shared cost. Be honest, be an adult. End of story.

Answer

Here in New Zealand, if someone were to send an invitation like that, for dinner at a restaurant, the assumption would always be that the guests pay. There would be huge delight and probably protestations if the host said they were going to pay for everyone.

This is not an age or generational thing, this is the way it is in this country, so it's a matter of culture not a matter of being a rude host or a bad guest. Actually, not only would the guests expect to pay for their own meals, they would also chip in so that the birthday girl (in this case) did not have to pay for her dinner.

Answer

You could have avoided all this just by setting up the rules of engagement in advance...then texting and wait for the RSVPs.

Answer

Because it’s your wife’s birthday with your wife’s friends and you’ve already done this, my opinion is that I think you will be OK because most people offer to chip in. I think people will offer to chip in and then you can say “thank you so much, that would be wonderful!”.

 Should the off chance that you get stuck with the bill and it’s horrendous, maybe you could announce that you had meant you could cover pizza but not alcohol or something like that. Use the word could instead of would.

But because it is your wife’s birthday and you invited her friends, I just have this feeling in the pit of my stomach that if it comes to it, that you should cover it and just maybe never do that again. I mean I don’t know what kind a relationship you’re in.

I am not trying to be salty, I am just trying to be honest. It’s hard because I wouldn’t want to offend anyone or look cheap or I don’t know, embarrass my spouse. If your wife brushes things off easily that might be different but someone who blows up little things, I don’t know if I’d find it worth it.

 What happened with me once is I invited my mother to dim sum for Mother’s Day and she showed up with her boyfriend and his kids and his mother. I paid the bill but I was pissed. I thought that was really rude. You actually invited these people to a party. I think the bottom line is whether or not they think you’re paying will depend upon each individual person. I always felt if you invited, you paid, but that is the rule I used for dating, not parties.

 I wonder what Miss Manners would say.....I hope I was of some help, sorry if I was not.

Answer

I think the reason I’m finding this question so hard is because parties in my family are always either potluck or host is cooking. 

 None of us have enough money to pay for a big dinner party at a restaurant, so we don’t invite anyone to a party at a restaurant. 

 You know what, you invited people to a party for your wife, you should pay - but I think that people will offer to chip in so don’t worry too much OK? :-). I think it’ll work out OK.

Please, will you let us know what happens? This is kind of like a social experiment.

Answer

In the UK I thinik this is in the wording. Something like "we are off to Restaurant X to celebrate person Y, do you fancy joining us" would usually mean group split food. A more formal "please join us for person Y's birthday at Restaurant X" could mean that the host will pay.

Answer

Amongst my social circle we get together for everyone's birthday at a restaurant of their choosing. When the bill comes, we split the entire thing evenly excluding the birthday person/couple. E.g. if there are 4 couples of 8 people, when the bill comes, it is split 3 ways amongst the couples who are there to honour the person's birthday. It usually is fairly even since we often order items that are the same price and we all drink.

Answer

Ok I think it’s fair that I let you guys know how it went. Wether or not I agreed with your opinions I really appreciate you guys trying to help. 

Dinner went as planned. Everyone was already there waiting for us to arrive, once we walked In they all yelled SURPRISE!!!... and I’m glad to say she was really surprised... that was the plan.
 
When we got there people were already drinking and ordering appetizers on their own.
Nobody waited for me to order anything first. Apparently everyone decided to go Dutch on their own. When the waiter asked if we were all ready to order, nobody looked at me like “ um hello we’re waiting on you to order “ Each couple looked the menu among themselves and ordered what they wanted. I didn’t have to announce that my ticket was separate or that I was paying for everything, because they took it upon themselves to do it. When it came time to order I went ahead and ordered enough for everyone to grab a slice or two even though they had there own pizzas. So it pretty much turned out to be a big pizza buffet. Some offered a slice from their pizzas while others didn’t. Either way I offered and made sure everyone got a taste of ours. At the end I got a big cake for the table, sang happy birthday and that was it. Everyone gave my wife her gifts, paid there tickets, said goodbye and went home. The end. 


I learned that next time I should be more clear and word my invations differently. Before the year ends I plan on reinvited everyone to a get together at my house and for sure everything will be on me.

Answer

I wanted to apologize for my crappy advice about announcing anything, I was not meaning to imply that you could not afford the meal if needed, I was just trying to think of every possible scenario, so that you were prepared for anything.

I was relieved that it was a huge success, and you did not even have to do anything. :-)

In my opinion, most people (myself included), come prepared to pay for what they ordered and even if the host does pay, offer to get the tip. Sounds like you were in such a group and that is awesome.

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If you invite does that mean you pay?

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