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Egg Beaters: The Essence of Evil

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Egg Beaters: The Essence of Evil

Jim Leff | Dec 6, 2003 02:31 PM

I'm housebound at my mother's for this blizzard, surveying a cupboard full of the canned items of my youth (exactly what exploded me into houndhood when I first got out of the house and realized food could have flavor) and a freezer full of cheap veal patties. I am not a happy hound.

But I figured breakfast might be a high point. I'd make some matzoh brei (see link below for my recipe) to sustain me until forced to decend to the hell that will be supper (which I'm looking forward to the way a burn victim looks forward to candles).

"No eggs!" announced my mother, cheerfully. "But I've got Egg Beaters, which are healthier!"

I've heard of this product, don't know much about it, except that it can't possibly not taste repellent. And while i could have skipped the whole thing and eaten cereal, one can't eat cereal three meals per day - and I can feel lots of cereal coming up in the hours ahead (we're almost out of milk; no problem, I'll just melt snow).

So I optimistically took on the challenge of cooking around the fact that I'd be making my treasured matzoh brei recipe with some processed goopy yellow crap poured from a f&*#ing milk container.

I figured I needed to focus on friedness and matzohness, rather than egginess. So while I don't ususally use onions in my matzoh brei, this time I slowly sautteed some in lots of butter until brown and tender. I chopped the matzoh into larger chunks than usual, and doused them with a ton of salt, white pepper, and paprika. I fried it all up fast (in still more butter), letting the butter brown a bit in the pan first.

The result was so tasteless, so insipid, so awful, so soul-reducing that the only thing I can think of is that Egg Beaters are not merely a disgusting product of no use whatsoever; they're actually a negative vacuum of deliciousness. Much like a black hole pulls in light, Egg Beaters absorb and destroy the quality of anything around them.

I suspect that if you were to use some incredibly minute quantity of Egg Beaters in baking the most extravagant brownie recipe, the result would be the worst brownie in human history. Merely let this product TOUCH an arepa by the Sainted Arepa Lady, and there'd suddenly be no flavor, no quality, no soul left in the arepa. If, God forbid, the product touched her sainted finger, she'd be completely and irrevocably blocked from ever cooking anything good ever again.

Egg beaters don't just taste bad like any other bad product. They are out to destroy my world.

ciao

Link: [BROKEN LINK REMOVED]

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