As long as we are in the guidelines mode, here are more.
Once you've arrived at your carefully chosen restaurant (see Chowhound Know How below), how do you decide if you should actually chow there?
MR. GRUB'S TOP 10 SIGNS YOU SHOULD CUT & RUN
1. Menu written on something unnatural, like a wine bottle or deer head.
2. Table tent cards: "Try Our Lentil Margueritas!", "Reserve Now for St. Swithins Day!"
3. Crayons on the table.
4. Specials written during the Carter administration.
5. Dishes on menu noted as cooked to perfection, authentic, genuine, or just like Moms.
6. Menu features celebrity dishes, such as Charo couscous, Jeffrey Dahmer steak tartare, Shaq foie gras.
7. Dangerously heavy lawn sale items, i.e., scythes, bathtubs, or outboard motors, festoon the walls.
8. Souvenir jams, jellies, t-shirts, bongs or handcuffs conspicuously for sale.
9. 16-year-old gum-snapping Valley Girl hostess welcomes you with, Didja have a reservation today?
10. Loudly playing music is any of the following: Mettalica, Enya, alternative Indian, Damaged Children, Thats Amore, Ol Dirty Bastard, ranchera, or anything by Whitney Houston or John Denver.