The summer blockbusters are coming, and with them the opportunity to sneak a new class of delicious accompaniments into the theater. We know you do it: Not only is the food expensive, it’s also awful (unless you happen to have movie-viewing mecca Alamo Drafthouse in your ’hood). The popcorn tastes like movie-carpet smells, the chocolate candies are waxy, and the soda is, as usual, terrible.
You won’t get me to say anything bad about Dots—hard gummy is the stuff—but food-lovers could do a lot better. Here are ideas for thematic snack pairings for the upcoming crop of summer-blockbuster hopefuls.
The Hangover Part II
Can we safely assume that people going to see this film are drunk or will soon be? If so, considering that this sequel is set in Bangkok, Thailand, cinema-goers will want to get in on the Thai tradition of aahaan kap klaem, foods meant to be eaten while drinking, including fried peanuts, fried cashews, and fried shrimp cakes.
X-Men: First Class
This appears to be a desperate attempt to revive (you can have your “reboot” when you hold a gun to my head) the superhero franchise by making a prequel set in the early ’60s. You will want to play along by bringing Mad Men–era treats such as (homemade!) Chex mix, Space Food Sticks, cream cheese and pineapple sandwiches, and pimiento cheese on Ritz crackers.
This one really looks like it’s going to suck, so you could stay on theme by eating only green stuff, like shelled edamame and wasabi peas, but really, you’ll probably need a fifth of whiskey to drown your sorrows. And to drown out the movie’s dialogue.
Transformers: Dark of the Moon
The Transformers Wiki informs us that Transformers, despite the fact that some of them do not have mouths, eat something known as Cybertronian food such as grated gears, flavorful iron filings, chrome-alloy cake, and, of course, Liquid Energon. Do what you will with this knowledge, human.
Mr. Popper’s Penguins
Here’s a fun thing you can do to your children. Tell them you’re going to see this family-friendly, laugh-a-minute movie about Jim Carrey (played by Jim Carrey) and a bunch of aquatic birds. Tell the kids they’ll be able to eat what penguins eat! And then when you get there, pull out little bags of dried fish and squid. Can you lay hands on any krill? Ha ha, that would be awesome.
We recommend apples and booze-soaked melon balls. You’ll find out why later.
Cowboys & Aliens
We will only be going to see this one if the reviews specifically state, “Better than Lost!” But if you go, be sure to bring cowboy- and alien-compliant foods such as Pemmican Beef Jerky, and jerky made from human flesh.
Experience the pressure put on the hapless, murderous employees by bringing with you a few “no time for lunch, have to eat from the vending machines” snacks: dry Cup Noodles, rancid peanuts, an egg salad sandwich from 1995.
Obviously, anything with smurfberries will be fine.
Rise of the Planet of the Apes
Want to sympathize with our future ape overlords? Eat as they do: bananas, banana chips, banana-flavored Laffy Taffy, and, for those scary face-ripping chimps, gummy noses and wax lips.