Today Now!, a show on the Onion News Network, reports that Taco Bell is going 100 percent “green,” meaning nothing on its new menu will use anything that came from nature.

“At Taco Bell we have a long tradition of taking as little as possible from the natural world,” says faux Bell spokesperson Paul Lancaster, who says Taco Bell’s “eco-friendly” beef has always contained “85 percent gluten filler, 8 percent petroleum-based grease flavoring,” and “4 percent meat.” However, with the new green menu on board, that 4 percent meat has been replaced by a “simple chemical adhesive.” No wasting food or water on cattle: wow!

Save me an Ultimate Grande Crunchador.

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