Why oh why do food companies want to make us sick to our stomachs?
1. Carl’s Jr: If the hideous sounds of smacking, slurping, and munching don’t get you, the face-covered-in-what-looks-like-puke most definitely will.
2. Olive Garden: Would you like glop with a side of extra-greasy glop? How about glop rolled in a starch bomb, then served with a side of glop covered with viscous white glop sauce? We all know Olive Garden’s food tastes like the gastronomic equivalent of a Yanni song. Must we see it poured out in big gelatinous messes? Bonus points: This commercial features Modern Family‘s Sarah Hyland giggling over her revolting manicotti dish.
3. Pizza Pops: For years this Canadian brand ran commercials featuring teenagers smacking the filled turnovers to squirt each other in the face with molten marinara goo. Somehow they found a way to make a commercial that’s even less appealing. Do you know what that “brain” looks like? Intestines. Do you know what’s not that great to think about while you’re eating? Yeah.
4. Hidden Valley Ranch: Does that kid on the Ferris wheel have a bowl of ranch dressing he’s eating from? Ugh. Look at the way they pour on that dressing at the end. Nothing I love more than salad absolutely drowned in several cups of high-fructose corn syrup, cultured buttermilk solids, and various stabilizing gums!
5. IHOP: Mom, can we please go out for a pale, flabby pancake covered with canned pie filling and Cool Whip?
6. McDonald’s McRib: The sauce, cascading down the cured, preshaped meat mixture. Oh man.
7. KFC Famous Bowls: Pretty sure I scraped something that looked like this out from under my car seat once when I left a ham and cheese sandwich under there accidentally.
8. Burger King’s Stuffed Steakhouse Burger: What is it about brown-with-chunks that so effectively puts you off your feed? Oh wait. Right.