I Paid: $1.50 for a 5-ounce box of Snackers (prices may vary by region)
Product names increasingly resemble English postal addresses: Rather than just a brand or a brand + maker, they are a product style within a product line within a subbrand within a parent brand. Thus, it has come to this: Michelina’s Lean Gourmet Mega Breakfast Snackers. And what, you might reasonably ask, constitutes a Gourmet Mega Breakfast Snacker? As it turns out, it’s a little English muffin–style bun stuffed with finely ground proteins. The buns come frozen and heat up quickly in the microwave, making for a soft, squishy, warm start to a hard day.
Let’s disassemble the specific adjectives that make up the Snackers’ name. “Lean” I suppose we can give them—they’ve got 5 to 7 grams of fat, with 0 grams of trans fat and 180 calories or less. “Gourmet,” no. The overall flavor impact of the Breakfast Snacker is pretty low-key; the sausage in the Sausage, Egg & Cheese Breakfast Muffin has a little bit of spice, but this variety and the Canadian Bacon, Egg & Cheese Breakfast Muffin are both notable for their creamy filling consistency, mellow flavor, and mildness. The scrambled egg leads, and the cheese and meats follow. “Mega,” also no—again, each Snacker is 180 calories or less, which hardly qualifies as “mega” these days. “Breakfast,” OK—the egg is pretty tender and soothing. And doesn’t “Snacker” basically cancel out “Mega” by implying a small size or a supporting rather than leading role in the meal? I would argue yes, it does.
Thus, the more taxonomically accurate name: Michelina’s Relatively Lean Workaday Small Breakfast Snackers. For all that, they’re not too bad in the taste department, and they certainly require less effort than scrambling an egg and sticking it atop an English muffin with cheese.