Although there is evidence that one of America’s most influential horror writers, H. P. Lovecraft, loved him some sugar (he never used fewer than four teaspoons in his coffee) and had a fine appreciation for Hershey’s chocolate as well, there is nothing in his biography that suggests he ever wrote copy for Whitman’s Samplers.

Or is there? Reputable news organization McSweeney’s has faux-discovered “Selections from H.P. Lovecraft’s Brief Tenure as a Whitman’s Sampler Copywriter.” He wasn’t very good at it, seemingly, because descriptions like this one, about a chocolate cherry cordial, actually make me afraid to bite into the candy in question:

You must not think me mad when I tell you what I found below the thin shell of chocolate used to disguise this bonbon’s true face. Yes! Hidden beneath its rich exterior is a hideously moist cherry cordial! What deranged architect could have engineered this non-Euclidean aberration? I dare not speculate.

On the other hand, it makes me think a Whitman’s Sampler might be the perfect hostess gift the next time I’m invited to a Cthulhu-themed dinner party.

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