Wonka Shockers Squeez Sour Candy

Wonka Shockers Squeez Sour Candy

I Paid: $1.49 for a 1.5-ounce tube (prices may vary by region)

Taste: 1 stars

Marketing: 3 stars

Somehow there always seems to be a demand for candy in toothpastelike gel form. Is it the young people, with their “X-treme” lifestyles and devil-may-care attitudes, who are to blame? Almost certainly yes.

Nestlé’s new Willy Wonka product along these lines is the Shockers Squeez Sour Candy, which comes in Mouth Blastin’ Berry and Tongue Trippin’ Lemon flavors. They’re both gritty paste made with high-fructose corn syrup and citric acid.

Shockers’ packaging promises the taster a tongue-numbing flavor bomb, but surprisingly, both varieties can be gorged upon without so much as an involuntary shudder. What you’re paying for—paying dearly for at $1.50 for a 1.5-ounce tube—is a small handful of crunchy, sweetened gel.

When humanity is one day in ruins and extraterrestrial visitors (or superevolved squid people) are combing the Earth for signs of what came before, Wonka Shockers Squeez candies are exactly the type of humiliating artifact I’d prefer not to be remembered by.

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