Warning: Coffee makers and irons are not intended and should not be used to do anything other than make coffee and take wrinkles out of clothes, respectively. This article is for humor purposes only. But these instructions really do work.


1. Set the iron to the highest setting with the steam turned off.

2. Fill a coffee filter with six broccoli florets. Load into the coffee maker. Run six cups of water through for tender but still crisp veggies.

3. Put 1/2 cup of instant rice per person in the coffee maker. Run the appropriate amount of water (check the box for instructions) through the coffee maker, then leave the machine turned on for 5 to 10 minutes until the rice is fully cooked.

4. Season four large scallops per person on both sides with salt and pepper, and place between two sheets of foil. Place the hot iron on top of the foil and press down to sear lightly for 1 to 2 minutes per side.

5. Dice one small shallot into the coffee maker. Load two to four sprigs of fresh thyme into the filter basket without a filter, then run 1 cup of cream and 1 teaspoon of lemon juice through the coffee maker together. Season with salt and pepper, and allow the sauce to reduce over the hot plate for 15 to 20 minutes. Just before serving, add 1 tablespoon diced butter and swirl to melt. (Note: Coffee maker will require heavy cleaning afterward.)

6. Use a clean disposable razor to shave black truffle over the plated rice, scallops, and broccoli, then pour sauce over each plate. Garnish with thyme.

7. For dessert, heat 1/2 cup cream in the coffee maker. Add a 12-ounce bag of good bittersweet chocolate chips and stir constantly until melted and smooth. Serve with whole strawberries, sliced banana, pound cake, dried apricots, and marshmallows for dipping.


1. Heat the iron.

2. Cut bacon strips in half, then place between foil sheets with the edges crimped together to seal in grease. Iron the bacon, opening one side of the foil packet every few minutes to check for doneness and allow steam to escape. Slightly crisp bacon takes about 10 minutes.

3. Prop up the iron so that the flat part faces straight up, create a foil “boat,” and place on top of the iron. Grease with bacon fat, and crack one to two eggs into it. When cooked enough to hold together—7 to 10 minutes on a small iron—flip eggs over and cook to desired doneness. Serve with bacon and coffee (made the normal way in the coffee maker).

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