Have you ever felt your chocolate was not spiritual enough, or your beef jerky didn’t keep you pumped up when shredding on your snowboard? Finally, your prayers have been answered!

First, Intentional Chocolate, which claims to be the first “intention-enhanced” food on the market. This chocolate is, literally, imbued with good vibes. The process outlined in the press release for making it: “Experienced, meditating monks in Madison, Wisconsin project positive intention into a device developed by the HESA Institute that is designed to capture, hold, and then transfer intention into food.” The company claims that a study published in Explore: The Journal of Science and Healing found that one ounce of the chocolate eaten over three days “increased test subjects’ well-being, vigor, and energy by an average of 67 percent.” The company says on its website that 50 percent of net profits are donated to “organizations committed to the benefit of humankind.”

That’s all very nice. But what if the monks go rogue and put bad vibes in the chocolate? We’d like to see this turned into a movie ASAP, possibly starring Keanu Reeves, who would first have to choose between the bad or good vibe chocolate, then he’d learn kung fu and wear a lot of PVC and some sweet shades.

Next up is Perky Jerky, “the world’s first all-natural performance-enhancing meat snack.” Perky Jerky is a caffeinated jerky (150 milligrams per 2-ounce bag), thought up by two dudes in a ski lodge after a “long, hard night of energy-drink-cocktail-fueled libation” (at least, that’s what it says in the press release). Apparently they got some energy drink on their jerky, which they ate the next day “as they floated their way down the mountain through bottomless powder.” I imagine the ensuing dialogue went something like: “Dude, brah, this is nuts!” “Dude, totally, Broseph. We need to take this brofessional.”

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