Most of us are content to head down to the nearest doughnut shop for our (weekly? monthly? yearly?) fix. But not LiveJournal-ist Derrick. His mouth-watering post is an in-depth exploration of how he went all Homer Price and bought himself a Belshaw Donut Robot 42, capable of making 6.5 doughnuts per minute.

As much of a modern wonder as the machine is, it isn’t foolproof, as Derrick learned after cramming it with 35 pounds of shortening that promptly caught fire. Other problems erupted in the attempt to get the consistency right:

The instructions tell you how much mix and water to use by weight, not volume. The reason they do this is because industrial food manufacturers are communists who hate America. The best scale I had in the house was the bathroom scale, which is some balky digital thing that measured you to the half-pound. My first batch of mix was far too thin, causing the hopper to dump batter like it was blowing its nose, giving me a 41 inch doughnut that came out the other end in a wadded gooey mess.

But practice eventually makes perfect, and Derrick now has more doughnuts than he can shake a coffee stirrer at. Which brings up yet another problem …

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