You want energy? You want your eyeballs bulging out like an extra flung out of the Mars dome in Total Recall? Not only can you get sheer jittery wakefulness in a can, you can choose from scores of drinks carefully aimed at particular market segments: Are you a decadent wannabe Rockstar? An exhausted New Ager? A drug addict on the wagon?

But why go up when you can go down? That’s the question Slashfood’s Jonathan M. Forester asks in a post touting the Blue Cow Relaxation Drink, a beverage intended to soothe the savage breast with a mix of chamomile, hops, lemon balm, passion flower, hawthorne berry, and something I’ve never heard of called Suntheanine, a man-made version of an amino acid found in green tea that’s supposed to make you feel mellow.

You know, I have all the energy and stress I can handle in my life: I have a toddler. What I would really like is something to bring me down after a whole day of scraping Play-Doh off the hardwood floors and listening to a child screeching. And though Blue Cow may taste medicine-y (the company warns that the drink is “formulated for effectiveness not taste”), it sounds pretty darned appealing. Anyone up for a nice cool Blue Cow–and-bourbon?

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