When was the last time you had a delicious meal at a wedding reception? Never, probably, unless the father of the bride happened to be Thomas Keller, or the guest list was limited to the bride, the groom, and five of their closest friends.

Regina Schrambling deconstructs the wedding banquet for Slate’s wedding issue in a piece titled “Soulless Food.” She posits a number of factors that lead to the dearth of good wedding food, from venues that hold the bride and groom hostage to their in-house caterers to cost-cutting on the part of the happy couple.

But who cares about why the food is bad? We’re just here for Schrambling’s entertaining takes on the the foibles of today’s wife-to-be:

Brides who will obsess for months on the color of the candles inevitably go all Stouffer’s when it comes to what will be laid out on their rented china.

Girls who spend their whole lives dreaming of being brides see everything around them as an accessory. Flowers enhance their beauty. Food, not so much.

Maybe we should all just elope.

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