The new Saveur has the secret to obtaining a well-tenderized octopus. The good news is that it’s entertaining. The bad news is that it’s essentially a washing machine for cephalopods, created by the Octopus Garden seafood store in Brooklyn. Even if the machines were for sale to the general public, the market for a large, motorized device that tenderizes tentacled seafood would probably be limited.

The machine’s paddles swat a newly acquired, unpleasantly tough (presumably dead) octopus around in a mixture of water, salt, and ice, thereby breaking down the thing’s rubbery flesh and dislodging any residual grit. A bank of such machines—and years of experience selling seafood to discriminating restaurateurs and the general public alike—accounts for the oh-so-tender quality of Octopus Garden’s edibles.

But if you’re a Brooklynite living near the store, beware … because as everyone knows, octopus = evil.

See more articles