Never let it be said that Gourmet is overly in touch with the sensible world of the proletariat. This month’s issue features what may be the most outrageous cooking-related knickknack in the history of cooking-related knickknacks.

Let’s explore the words as they were written.

Coltellerie Berti’s professional cheese knives are no affectation.

Allow me to repeat: “No affectation.” Certainly not a “pose,” or “artificiality,” or “the act of taking on or displaying an attitude or mode of behavior not natural to oneself or not genuinely felt.”

Each individual blade in the boxed set of seven is designed to cut a specific type of Italian cheese.

Yes. Because, lord knows, if you use a paddle-shaped knife to cut paglietta, instead of a bow-shaped wire-style knife, the fabric of space-time will unravel and boiling uranium will pour from the skies.

($950 at unicahome.com.)

That’s … $135 a knife. You read that right. You could have a knife that looks like a putty spreader … or two weeks’ worth of groceries from Whole Foods. You could have three knives, or a Nintendo Wii and a very good bottle of single-malt Scotch. You could have the set of cheese knives, or a 14-piece All-Clad cooking set.

What is this, Gourmet or Sophie’s Choice?

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