Quick, someone call Reverend Billy! Reporter Stacy Finz of the San Francisco Chronicle needs an intervention from the self-ordained pastor of the Church of Stop Shopping before the holiday season ka-chings any closer. Without it, she just might keep loading up her garage with spectacularly useless kitchen gadgets.

Like that tackiest of all wedding-hall items, the chocolate fountain—or, in Finz’s case, a

$200 Sephra 19-inch Elite Fondue Chocolate Fountain—a device of such epic proportions that just talking about it makes me giddy. Who cares that I’ve only used it once. You never know when you might have to throw a bar mitzvah or a quinceañera for 150 guests.

Then there’s the $39.99 Cocoa Latte machine, whose sole function—the making of hot chocolate—is easily trumped by the use of a saucepan and a whisk. (How did she miss the Octodog?) Did the Chron’s food-section staff really crowd around the $130 Cuisinart Soft Ice Cream Maker (complete with sprinkler dispenser), “stuffing their faces” and crowing “I’m so getting this!”?

And let’s not forget her wholehearted embrace of silicone cooking gadgets, from collapsible colanders and measuring cups (“more room means I can get more stuff!”) to pastry brushes and baking pans. According to the FDA spokesperson quoted in the article, it’s “reasonably certain” that silicone’s safe for use in the kitchen. After all, if it’s good enough for your boobs, surely it’s just dandy wrapped around your muffins.

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