The Brilliance of McBites: What McDonald’s Should Launch Next

Amid all the keening hysteria that has accompanied the return of the ambiguous pressed-meat shape known as the McRib, an important new McDevelopment has been largely overlooked. To combat the scourge of KFC's markedly popular and poetically named Popcorn Chicken, McDonald's plans to launch a competing product called Chicken McBites.

McBites are currently in the test-run phase of their development in the post-apocalyptic but increasingly trendy city of Detroit. They're made from America's favorite chicken part (all-white breast meat), priced by weight (rather than by piece, as McNuggets are), and sheathed in a crispy fried coating. One food business blog speculates that commodity prices might be the reason behind the chain pushing a new chicken menu item, a remarkably cynical explanation that seems to suggest that all McDonald's cares about is making enormous piles of money.

Could it be that the McBites will be the first in a series of McDonald's food steals from rivals? Other tempting targets present themselves, including...

Taco Bell: The Mc7-Layer Burrito. The killer vegetarian option on the Bell's menu is both a substantial meal and affordable to produce, seeing as the priciest of the seven layers is a thick green liquid charitably termed "guacamole."

Olive Garden: McInfinite Breadsticks. How brilliant is Olive Garden's simple trick of letting its guests gorge on essentially free-to-make pieces of inexplicably but apparently seriously addictive breadsticks? Fairly brilliant, indeed.

In-N-Out Burger: The McIn-N-Out would be a delicious hamburger made from fresh, never frozen beef, cooked to order, and prepared using quality toppings. This product offers the terrifying prospect of making McDonald's an unstoppable fast-food juggernaut, or at least a slightly more desirable place at which to eat lunch. The downside, from McDonald's perspective: It would probably have to dismantle and rebuild from scratch all of its 33,000-plus restaurant locations in order to accommodate the creation of a strange and alien product known simply as "the hamburger."

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