Knives Gone Cuddly

From the “What Will the Nanny State Inspire Next?” file: Non-stabbing knives that can cut vegetables but not, apparently, fatally wound people. The London Times reports that the knives lack a traditional point, making stabbing folks a considerably more labor-intensive process.

Next on the new products list: talking blenders that use the power of logic to convince foods to break themselves down without the use of dangerous sharp blades; ice mallets that are specially padded to prevent injuries or fracturing ice; chopsticks with special rubber safety tips; and a camera system in every private residence such that helpful government employees can ensure that all behavior is appropriate and fully in keeping with all relevant codes and statutes.