You Can’t Beat the Breathalyzer

Once upon a time, Cracked was generally regarded as Mad Magazine’s less talented, less attractive, less promising younger sibling. These days, however, it’s an Internet laff factory. Just in time for the end of the holiday season, presents a comedy piece that doubles as a surprisingly thoughtful public service announcement: “5 Drinking Myths That Can Kill You.”

The thrills for readers are numerous: Wince as you recall passing out in college, unknowingly one bad stomach movement away from death! Chuckle as you read brief, penetrating debunkings of home remedies for beating the Breathalyzer! And feel yourself gaining intelligence against your will as you read the truth about warming up by drinking alcohol: “Alcohol makes you feel warm and turn beet red because it causes your blood vessels to dilate. This brings the blood closer to the surface of your skin, which makes you feel warmer. Unfortunately, with the warmth now oozing off the surface of your skin instead of trapped in the core of your body, you’re losing precious body heat. So while sitting in your unheated apartment in the dead of winter pounding vodka might seem like a decent idea, your skin and Russian history are leading you astray.”

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