Buzzing Up Daisies

The June issue of EatingWell turned readers on to a fun and slightly morbid time-waster: a website called Energy Fiend with a “Death by Caffeine” calculator. That is, how much of any particular caffeinated beverage you’d have to ingest to die.

For instance, I found out that I could drink nearly 394 cans of Barq’s root beer (the one with bite!) before I keeled over. There’s another, similar calculator called “Death by Penguin Mints” that estimates how much caffeine-laden food it would take to kill you, assuming you’d rather expire filled with solids than fluids. This is where I discovered that 181 cups of Häagen-Dazs coffee ice cream should really be my limit.

Thanks to Energy Fiend, I also learned about a whole host of caffeinated confections I never even knew existed. Jolt Gum? WhoopAss? Pimp Juice? I think I’ve been living under a green tea rock.

The caffeine calculations raise questions concerning timing: In order to achieve your death goal, do you have to consume that much caffeine in an hour, a day, a week, or what? Energy Fiend covers that question most ably—and hysterically—in its FAQ.

Here’s the answer: IT’S HOW MUCH YOU HAVE TO HAVE IN YOUR SYSTEM AT ONE TIME.

Yes, it means that it’s practically impossible to kill yourself with caffeine. Practically. Don’t actually try it! After 1 gram, you’ll be a sad panda. If you manage to even challenge the number, you’ll be a schizophrenic, crazed panda, or a passed out panda. And if you’re passed out, you might get your wallet stolen.

Finally, Energy Fiend covers its buzzed butt with the following disclaimer:

This tool is for entertainment purposes only. Nothing on here should be construed as medical advice or information. Don’t try this at home. If you actually try this and end up dying after only 140 energy drinks instead of 143, it’s not our fault.

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